The Abominable Snowkitten
Chapter 1: The Suspiciously Large Snowflake
Conceived by Berman in Boston
Harold's least favorite part of living in the Himalayas was the weather: never-ending flurries and blizzards. Yuck. The hailstorms were the scariest. Big chunks of ice slamming into the ground at high speed--and Harold, for as mean and mighty as he felt on the inside, was just a tiny snowkitten on the outside. Harold's mother made him stay inside all winter, even if he drove her crazy.
Harold would spend his days running in circles, scratching cave walls, and meowing incessantly. His mother would practice her meditation and count down the days until spring. One day, she'd had quite enough of Harold's antics.
"You know, when bears hibernate, they sleep the whole time," she said.
She needed to get out of the house for a bit.
"Harold, I'm going to yoga with some of the yaks. I'll be home in an hour. Do you promise not to leave the house?"
Harold froze. He'd never been left home alone before. This was a big deal.
"Oh yes, Mom. I promise."
And Harold fully intended to keep that promise. Even though his mother would probably never find out if he stepped outside for a bit… No matter what, Harold would stay inside.
But that's when he saw it, just outside his window: the suspiciously large snowflake.
He ate it, and that was that.
All that was left was the snowflake's very own scarf.
But then, just as the young snowkitten was about to hop onto his favorite chair, he felt an uneasy sensation in his stomach.
He coughed up the suspciously large snowflake.
"Did you just eat me?!" said the snowflake, incredulously. "See, this is why I'm a dog person."
The snowflake shook itself and stood tall, extending its snowflake hand.
"I'd like to introduce myself," said the snowflake, "and explain to you why I'm so suspiciously large."
"My name is Orion, and i'm not exactly a snowflake, well i am, but i'm also a Star" at this last word, Orion twinkled with light.
The cat wrinkled its nose and twitched an ear at the twinkling snowflake. "That is rather strange, you know."
"It's just as strange as a talking cat," Orion replied, looking rather miffed for a snowflake-star thing.
Harold opened his mouth to reply, before deciding he didn't really have an answer to that question. He then proceeded to pretend that he planned to lick the snow that was dripping from his paw all along.
Orion looked around the place before deciding he didn’t like it in there. “Kitten? I need your help with something.”
“It’s Harold and I am not just a kitten, I am an abominable snowkitten! I do not help, I destroy!“ Harold lowered his head to the ground, leaving his tail in the air while shaking it back and forth as menacingly as his cute and furry body would allow.
“Easy now, killer. I’ve already experienced your wrath once before, remember? I’m not looking to get eaten again.”
Harold smiled fondly of the memory of his cruelty.
“Okay kid look, I need to get out of this cave, and you need to help me. I have been sent on a quest... from above.” Orion motioned to the heavens above, which were temporarily concealed by the cold and clammy cave.
“But we have to go out there,” the snowflake waddled his way closer to the edge of the cave.
“Oh no I can’t go out there!” Harold looked horrified at the suggestion
“Why not, your mommy says you can’t? Aren’t you supposed to be abominable?”
Harold shrunk up to about the size of his recently damaged ego. His eyes puffed up and his bottom lip began to tremble.
“Oh come on kid, take it easy. Let me tell you about this quest first.” Orion waddled back over to the kitten, but made sure not to get too close.
"I want a cookie kid, you think you can handle that?"
At the sound of the word "cookie," a small black puppy with an awkwardly oversized head and teeth as large and sharp as a Rottweiler's jumped through the same opening in the window where all the trouble for poor, confused Harold began in the first place.
So he turned around and he ran. As fast as he could, he ran.
But before he made it three stringlengths outside of the cave, Harold remembered the promise he had just made to his mother. He turned around faster than a mouse and slid into his most intimidating posture, his tail whipping wildly through the cold air.
At the sight of Harold at his most menacing, the puppy came to a screeching halt, his over-sized head trembling in fear like a bobble-head doll.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" whined the pup. "I couldn't help myself."
"You couldn't help yourself with what?" snarled Harold.
"When I see a kitten I just lose my mind...but you're no ordinary kitten, are you?"
"That's right," said Harold, feeling as fierce as ever. "I am an abominable snowkitten!"
His butt back and wiggling, he stared down the intruder. Harold waited a few moments in silence--trying to let the shame of his failed flight pass--before addressing the pup.
"What are you doing here?" Harold asked.
"Don't worry about him, he's with me," Orion said, confidently. The puppy trotted over and rubbed his back against the snowflake.
"Sorry about that entrance," the puppy said. "I had a real bad itch."
The black puppy had not noticed that Harold hid away. The puppy, running as fast as he could, searched frantically for Harold. He searched under snow dripping trees. He needed to find Harold. Suddenly, as the black puppy closer to Harold's hiding spot, a giant snowflake had hit the black puppy- making him spin into eccentric circles. Spinning and spinning, the black puppy was lost and couldn't find his way home.
-- or home to Harold's cave, which was the closest thing to home the little black puppy had known since the dark, stormy night Orion had found him huddled down in a hole he'd dug for himself. Despite Harold's initial inhospitality, the prospect of shelter and cookies was enough to make the puppy face whatever mean, kit-hissing attitude Harold had in him. Besides, Orion could be the peacekeeper, couldn't he?
Harold decided he could ignore the pup for a minute. After all, he was OUTSIDE! The "not-allowed-out-here-no-matter-what" outside! It was too exciting and new to worry about a puppy or even a weird unusually large snowflake star.
"This is...this is AWESOME!" Harold yowled, rolling over and over in the snow. "I can't believe how cool this is! Orion, have you tried this?"
Orion looked like he was trying not to laugh. "Dude. I'm a snowflake. It's not like I've never romped in the snow before."
"Oh, right." Harold stopped jumping. He looked over, where the pup was still cowering. It was a little ridiculous, watching a beast with teeth like knives attempting to hide behind a snowflake. Even if the snowflake was unusually large.
"Sorry we got off on the wrong paw. I'm Harold," he said finally, extending one damp leg. He made sure his claws were showing. He was trying to be friendly, but that didn't mean he was going to be a pushover.
The puppy immediately bounded over and gave him a huge, wet, disgusting kiss. "I'M POGO! I'M A PUPPY! I LOVE TO SNIFF! AND TO LICK! AND TO PEE! AND TO --"
"Ew! Yeah, I got it. Nice to meet you, Pogo. How did you and Orion wind up together?" Harold asked. He rolled around a few more times in the snow, trying to wipe off the puppy drool.
Orion stepped forward. "That's an excellent question. And one that has everything to do with that quest."
Harold and Pogo both sat down in the snow, and Orion began his tale.
We locked eyes from across the room. Down my drink went as the rhythm "boom"ed. Took his hand and skipped the names no need here for those silly games
But suddenly he unmelted and bloomed into a beautiful sunflower!
Now, as everyone knows sunflowers and snowflakes are basically complete opposites. This transformation can be compared to a seemingly forever grounded caterpillar blossoming into a beautiful, free, high flying butterfly.
This is exactly what Orion thought.
Orion felt that he has now transcended into a higher place of belonging, giving joy and nostalgic thoughts of summers as a kid.
Feeling this epiphany Orion began a journey where the end goal was to return to young abominable Harold to show him the better, more peaceful side of life.
"Take my hand," said Orion. "Let me take you to my galaxy."
Upon entering the Galaxy, they were faced with much resistance. Orion's arch nemesis, Galathion, was standing between them and what Orion called home.
Galathion was a wretched creature. The face of a 9 headed viper, the body of a kangaroo mouse, and the humor of a smiling crocodile.
Orion said to the terrible beast: "begone you horrid shrew! I am showing this young creature the secrets of the universe!"
Galathion snickered like he saw an old lady fall in front a moving garbage truck; "You think i would let that abominable thing gain the power of the Uuu'thi'as? I shall destroy him while you watch, Orion."
A flash of anger entered Orion's eyes, like a momentary lapse of judgement when pouring a child a glass of chocolate milk instead of water. Orion bellowed with the force of ten thousand Geodudes: "THIS IS YOUR END GALATHION, PREPARE TO DIE."
A whirlwind of snake scales, sunflower seeds, and screams flew through the universe as Harold watched in awe. He was amazed and horrified, like when two planes collide midair. As Harold watched the two interstellar beasts combat, he slowly reached down. Down further, discovering himself, unzipping his very essence. Through this stroke of genius he knew who he was. He was abominable. He was powerful. He was filled with desire to finish this.
He closed his eyes, wincing. With a final stroke he lunged towards the battling behemoths
Immediately, however, despite his confidence and desire, Harold was knocked unconscious.
Harold woke up. Back in his cave. Confused and groggy. Shaking his abominable tail he stood up. "Was it all a dream?" he asked himself. He heard footsteps behind him and quickly spun around. It was his mom returning. She saw the candy wrappers on the ground and shrieked: "HAROLD! were you eating candy before bed again?"
Harold sleepily said: "but mom, candy is delicious!"
The moral of the story is: If you eat candy before bed you'll have bad dreams.
At that very moment, Harold realized meeting Orion was all a dream! It never happened! He never ate a suspiciously large snowfkake, he was eating candy!
But let's talk about that candy: it was delicious, the very best kind an abominable snow kitty could ask for. He'd bought it after school one day at the Himalayan corner store, a gooey mass of lizards, frozen cave-mice, and fish food flakes. Bad dreams or not: the candy was worth it.